Keepin' her flyin'

We spend more of our time out here in the black than any other single place. Makes a right bunch of sense if you think on it, what with the sort of work we do. Weren't exactly what I meant when I said I wanted to see the 'verse, but I'm finding that it's a sight better. Course it's nice to be in port and see all the shiny things in the stores, but it ain't like we're usually in much of a position to be buying shiny things.

Out here in the black, ain't no shiny distractions and reminders of all the differences between folks and what some folk might see as fei wu and what other people might see as real pretty. It's just us and Serenity. I got my engine room and my bunk, with my pretty dress in it if I feel like looking at shiny things. Ain't sure when I'll ever get to wear it again, but it's there.

Got all sorts of possibilities, too. Out here, ain't nothin' that might not happen. Can figure you're just a girl and you're on a boat with just a lot of other folk and nothing much matters but that you get the job done and that you're there for each other and take care of your crew. Other things, things that might matter on the ground don't matter so much here. Course some folk still try and make them matter and that's just fei hua. And more than fei hua, that's just their loss.

I like it out here. Ain't what I expected when the Captain walked in on me and Bester and offered me the job. Sure is different than back home. But Serenity's become home and she's made for being out here, doing what we're doing. Ain't nowhere else I'd want to be.

I gotta say, I'm fairly content with my life. But as it's just for a day, ain't like it's expressin' discontent to want to see somethin' from another person's point of view. If I could trade places with someone for day, I'd choose Inara. Her life as a Companion is so glamourous. She's so graceful and kind and she wears the loveliest dresses and gets to meet and entertain the handsomest men and most beautiful women, all at her discretion.

Bein' a Companion is such a fancy occupation, an' respectable, and she's got position in Society ain't none of the rest of us ever gonna have. Simon and River might've, but with the Alliance after 'em, ain't nothin' they're like to see for a while. Shepherd might've had it at one time. When we took him to the Alliance medical facilities, they took him quick as could be when they saw his identicard, so I s'pose he must've been someone awful important once. Folk don't like preachers that much.

But Inara? She's got the backing of her whole guild behind her an' clients on most civilized worlds we go to. She gets to go to all the fancy parties an' dance and eat the best food. Just for one day, it'd be real nice to know what that feels like. I'd pick a day when we were in Ariel or another Core planet an' a client who'd take me to a real nice place for dinner an' dancin' so's I could wear the most elegant gown. I'd know how to fix him, or her, tea all proper like, an' later we'd make love among those pretty satin sheets. I'd be all soft an' perfumed in all the right places. No grease stains under my nails that don't come off no matter how hard you scrub. Heads would turn when we walked down the street because I was so beautiful.

An' then I'd go back to bein' me. Like I said, I like my life. I got folk I love an' my engine an' freedom. I ain't fancy, and I ain't beautiful, but Simon thinks I'm real pretty, an' Inara likes to spend time with me an' does my hair up all special sometimes. I've got River to play with an' my Captain an' the rest. I got the black. It's a real good life, an' I'm happy with it. But for just one day, it'd be nice to see what it's like to be beautiful an' respectable an' adored.

Now that there's an easy one. Can't say as it's real bad. Maybe not even irresponsible, actually. But it's nothin' I'd do normally.

I'd walk right up to Simon an' kiss him. Then I'd ask him straight up if he thought I was pretty an' I met a girl recently at a party an' she said I ought to anyway, but I can't quite bring myself to do that. I mean, ain't like I haven't talked to him about it. I have. An' I tell him how I'm confused. Inara's right. My heart's right out there on my sleeve for him to see clear as day. But he don't ever...

He goes all stiff, an' not in the good way, dŏng ma?. He says it's his way of showing me respect, bein' polite an' such. I have to admit that's sweet of him. Very sweet. But somedays I just wish...I just wish he'd stop being so polite. But if I said that, or if I just...kissed him...well, that'd go against what he's trying to do. And he knows I'm interested in him. Ain't nobody that doesn't know at this point. So, if he ain't kissed me yet, there must be a reason. I don't want to know what the consequences would be if I took that from him--whatever control he's got by not kissin' me yet. He might get scared an' run. Or he might just carry me off to his bunk an'...well. Maybe my bunk, 'cause River comes into his a lot.

An' then I'd know if he was everything I think he is. But if he was offended? If that's not what proper ladies do in his world? Well. That'd be a consequence I wouldn't want to pay. I'd rather not know than have him look at me like I was some sort of jiànhuò.

So, I won't do it. Won't just kiss him until I get a clearer sign of specifically what it is he wants from me. I guess I'm just a wúwàng de làngmàn, at heart.

I gotta say I'm awful sorry. We had this job to do an' it kept me away from the Cortex an' kept me from bein' able to write the last couple of weeks. But I figure I'm here now an' I'll get all caught up an' it'll all be shiny again, right?

If you could change one person's mind about something, who and what would it be?

Well, I don't think I could go 'round changing folks minds. Most of the crew's pretty hard headed. I wouldn't ever think of tryin' to change the Captain's mind, what with the tetchiness an' all. Can't really think of anything I'd rightly change. Maybe he could be a bit nicer to some folk, but that's just him. He ain't all that bad, an' I love my Captain. But he does make folk cry sometimes. Still, ain't nothin' I'd do to really change him.

I suppose I'd want to change Simon's mind 'bout this life. He said once it weren't fun. That Serenity was a piece of go-se. 'Course I think he's already changed his mind about that. He seems happier at least. More like maybe he's okay with bein' one of us.

An' maybe I'd change his mind about the "I'd never, not with Kaylee" comment. 'Cause it ain't all that flatterin' that he'd say so quick that he wouldn't. Then I gotta wonder, if I have to work so hard to change his mind about it? Well that ain't all that self-respectin' neither. I just wish he'd make up his mind one way or the other.

What in your life are you the most dissatisfied with, and why?

Ain't much. I got my friends. I got Serenity. I wish Captain'd let me paint some more flowers 'round the ship, brighten her up a bit. But I ain't real dissatisfied with that.

Guess it's gettin' to the point that I'm a bit dissatisfied 'bout how long it's been since I've been with a man. Not dissatisfied to take Jayne up on any of his offers, mind you, but I'm gettin' a bit tetchy about that situation right enough.

What is the scariest thing that has ever happened to you?

Sometimes things get broke an' they can't be fixed. When Serenity broke an' I couldn't fix her an' Captain made us all leave him on her an' take the shuttles? That was right scary. We didn't have enough power t' get anywhere, but he thought maybe we'd be picked up an' be all right. We all knew it weren't gonna happen, though. We were gonna die in those shuttles, or we were gonna die on Serenity. At some point, the air was gonna give out an' the heat was going to go an' we were gonna freeze to death. Captain kept tellin' me to fix it if we were gonna keep breathin' an' there was nothin' I could do. She were broke, an' somehow I'd missed it. I hadn't seen it comin an' everyone was gonna die because of it. When we were all crowded in the shuttles that's all I could think. It kept goin' round and round in my head.

But that weren't the scariest. No, the scariest were when we went to rescue Captain from Niska. There were guards an' they were shootin' at us an' we were supposed to shoot back. Simon were shooting at them an' then he was gone. These three of them were shooting at me an' I couldn't even pull the trigger. Captain was bein' held an' tortured an' all I could do was stand there an' hide an' not even shoot. Then River was there. She took the gun an' she closed her eyes an' without looking, she shot all three of them. Killed 'em all. Then she turned to me an' smiled this smile like we was playin' an' said what I'd said earlier when I won the apple, 'cept she was still holdin' the gun.

"No power in the 'verse can stop me."

That were the scariest thing ever happened to me.

I ain't ever heard of the Wonderland thing, so I s'pose I can't rightly write on it. But I can write about what's beautiful.

Serenity's beautiful. Her engine an' all her parts. Her mess. Her cargo hold. Each of our bunks. Some folks might look at her an' not see anything special. Just a bucket of bolts. They don't think Fireflys are worth much. But they don't see what I see. What Cap'n sees. What all of us see when we look at her.

She's our home. She keeps us flyin' an' free. She talks to me, an' I talk to her.

We're a good team, me an' her.

Simon's beautiful, too. An' I don't mean that in just a "he's got pretty eyes" way, though his eyes is something to give a girl all sorts of warm thoughts. But his soul is, too. He's a good man. A kind man. He gave up everything to save River an' he saved my life. He's gentle an' decent an' adjustin' fairly well to a life of crime. It's real cute.

An' River. River's 'bout as beautiful as Serenity. Special, you know? Smart an' sweet an' everything precious. Bit odd in the head, but we love her anyway. She's crew. She's family.

Just like Simon. Just like Serenity. Just like Cap'n and Zoe and Wash an' Inara an' Shepherd an' even Jayne.

Guess family's about the most beautiful thing there is.

What does the word "Love" mean to you?

There's a right pretty thing Shepherd Book said to me the other day. I was missin' Simon somethin' awful, and all upset about him not feelin' the same as I do 'bout things. Us things. Sex things. I was terrible impatient and wonderin' if Simon's ever gonna notice I ain't just the ship's mechanic and his sister's playmate. But I'm a woman, too.

An' Shepherd said, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not selfseeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

I thought it were real pretty, an' told him he outta have gotten married if he could come up with stuff like that. He told me it was from his Bible, which River says is all wrong an' full of contradicitons. But if that part was from it, I don't think it can be all wrong, can it? 'Cause that's a right pretty passage an' it talks about bein' patient and not getting all envious, like of Inara's pretty dresses, an' not getting angry at Simon when he says things that show he ain't thinking of me that way at all.

It's lookin' for truth and holdin' on and trusting that right will win out in the end.

It ain't just about the sex. But all the stuff that makes the sex special. An' I knew that, of course, but somehow when you ain't gotten sexed up in a while, you forget the good stuff. Shepherd reminded me of the good stuff, an' if I have to wait, I guess I can do that.

Because I think it's right likely I've moved from sweet on him towards lovin' him.

So I'll just be patient, an' trust that someday he'll notice.

What's the furthest away you've ever been from the place you were born/created? How did you get there? Why did you go? Did you return or even want to come back to where you came from?

Well, I were, was born on a bit of a rock called Greenleaf. It ain't much. I mean, we got doctors there. An' lots of food an' stuff. We ain't Core, but we ain't border neither. Kinda like Persephone, I guess. My daddy were the best mechanic on the planet. If there were work, he got it. Most others didn' even bother.

I can't say I'm totally sure which place we been is the furthest. I joined the crew of Serenity a few years ago. Daddy says I got a gift with engines and Cap'n saw that right off, too. So, he gave me the job an' I been flyin' on her ever since.

We travel all over the 'verse. Core planets. Border moons. We go where the work is. We been right out to the border, to where you's staring into the expanse an' you know that jus' a bit further on is Reaver territory, an' you don't ever wanna go that far. Ain't no comin' back from that. 'Course they's pushin' closer an' closer in every year, which is a mite bit terrifyin' 'cause we find ourselves lookin' at their ships more'n any of us would like.

I guess one of the border moons would be furthest. Whitechapel maybe. I'd have to ask Wash for distances.

Sure, I'd go back home, to see my folks. Ain't likely to happen for a while though. Not much work on Greenleaf, so no real reason Cap'n would take us there.

Does it still count as a childhood memory if you were sixteen? I figure that's still sort of a kid. There was this boy an' he was awful pretty. We were gettin' to be real good friends an' I invited him over.

This boy? I figured he was about eighteen or so, an' he weren't no novice. He knew his way around a girl's body as well as I know mine 'round an engine, which is pretty damn good. We had a lovely time in my daddy's garage, just foolin' around.

And then his folks come by to fetch him, and it turns out he's fourteen years old! Fourteen!

I mean, he must have been some kind of genetic experiment, 'cause I swear he was... Well, I ain't met a fourteen year old before or since could do the things he could or look the way he did.

My daddy whupped me so hard...which weren't so shiny or funny, I guess. Momma just laughed an' laughed, said she'd never have believed he was just fourteen neither.

I wasn't allowed to see him again, which was truly a sad, sad thing. I did start askin' boys how old they were for the next coupla years, though.

I'm not exactly sure why I have to write one of these. I mean, not like anybody not on Serenity's gonna be readin' it, right? But just in case...Captain's said something about cortexes and the like an' how some people have been findin' his and Inara's journals. Even commentin'. Like, from the past. Which I think is shiny. I mean, think about all we could learn about what come before! Better'n what they teach in a history class, I mean. I weren't all that fond of history class, but I do like people. They aren't always as shiny as engines, and I don't understand them as well sometimes. But they are fascinatin'.

Anyway. I'm Kaylee. I'm the mechanic onboard a Firefly class starship named Serenity and me and her, we bonded right away. We're a cargo vessel and we haul all sorts of cargo all through the 'verse. Sometimes its legal. Sometimes it ain't. We haul people sometimes too. Sometimes they ain't exactly legal either. But Captain's real good about avoidin' the Alliance, and we do alright. My job's to keep Serenity flyin'. Most days that works, but sometimes she (and the Captain) can make it a might tough. But we manage, me and her. We understand each other and usually she lets me know before she goes and has a problem. Harder to do when people's shootin' at us though.

So. That's me, I guess. The important stuff, at least. The rest I guess I'll tell you as we go along. You know, if there's a "you" out there.