xiao_meimei: (No place I can be since I found serenity)
We spend more of our time out here in the black than any other single place. Makes a right bunch of sense if you think on it, what with the sort of work we do. Weren't exactly what I meant when I said I wanted to see the 'verse, but I'm finding that it's a sight better. Course it's nice to be in port and see all the shiny things in the stores, but it ain't like we're usually in much of a position to be buying shiny things.

Out here in the black, ain't no shiny distractions and reminders of all the differences between folks and what some folk might see as fei wu and what other people might see as real pretty. It's just us and Serenity. I got my engine room and my bunk, with my pretty dress in it if I feel like looking at shiny things. Ain't sure when I'll ever get to wear it again, but it's there.

Got all sorts of possibilities, too. Out here, ain't nothin' that might not happen. Can figure you're just a girl and you're on a boat with just a lot of other folk and nothing much matters but that you get the job done and that you're there for each other and take care of your crew. Other things, things that might matter on the ground don't matter so much here. Course some folk still try and make them matter and that's just fei hua. And more than fei hua, that's just their loss.

I like it out here. Ain't what I expected when the Captain walked in on me and Bester and offered me the job. Sure is different than back home. But Serenity's become home and she's made for being out here, doing what we're doing. Ain't nowhere else I'd want to be.

Worst Flaw

Apr. 27th, 2005 11:53 am
xiao_meimei: (Default)
I'm guessin' there's a lot of 'em. I don't try to dwell on 'em much, but they're there. I ain't perfect by no means. Thing is, I let folks down a lot. I ain't really near enough smart or fancy for Simon. He don't like this life much. Thinks if he gives into it, he'll be all uncivilized. Well, I guess we ain't civilized then. An' that means I ain't...civilized enough. I don't talk proper. I can if I really put my mind to it, I s'pose. I got some schoolin' but most of what I know's based on just...what I feel. Natural talent my daddy calls it. Way I can just look at an engine an' know what's wrong with her.

But that ain't schoolin' an' it ain't something most folks care to talk about. An' it don't always work. Serenity broke once an' I didn't see it comin' an' couldn't fix her. She just...broke, an' because I let her, we almost all died. Would have iff'n Captain hadn't found another ship an' traded theirs an' got himself all shot an' almost died from that.

I ain't brave enough at all. We went after Captain once an' there were all these folks just shootin' at us an' there was nothin' I could do about it. Couldn't shoot back. I just froze. I mean, Captain's life was at stake an' I just froze. That ain't nothin' to be proud of.

So. Yeah. I let folks down a lot. My only job is to be a useful part of the crew an' keep Serenity flyin' an' I can't even do that sometimes. Don't mean to let folks down, but...I ain't perfect. An' I really wish I was.
xiao_meimei: (Story of a girl named Kaylee by ladyemma)
I gotta say, I'm fairly content with my life. But as it's just for a day, ain't like it's expressin' discontent to want to see somethin' from another person's point of view. If I could trade places with someone for day, I'd choose Inara. Her life as a Companion is so glamourous. She's so graceful and kind and she wears the loveliest dresses and gets to meet and entertain the handsomest men and most beautiful women, all at her discretion.

Bein' a Companion is such a fancy occupation, an' respectable, and she's got position in Society ain't none of the rest of us ever gonna have. Simon and River might've, but with the Alliance after 'em, ain't nothin' they're like to see for a while. Shepherd might've had it at one time. When we took him to the Alliance medical facilities, they took him quick as could be when they saw his identicard, so I s'pose he must've been someone awful important once. Folk don't like preachers that much.

But Inara? She's got the backing of her whole guild behind her an' clients on most civilized worlds we go to. She gets to go to all the fancy parties an' dance and eat the best food. Just for one day, it'd be real nice to know what that feels like. I'd pick a day when we were in Ariel or another Core planet an' a client who'd take me to a real nice place for dinner an' dancin' so's I could wear the most elegant gown. I'd know how to fix him, or her, tea all proper like, an' later we'd make love among those pretty satin sheets. I'd be all soft an' perfumed in all the right places. No grease stains under my nails that don't come off no matter how hard you scrub. Heads would turn when we walked down the street because I was so beautiful.

An' then I'd go back to bein' me. Like I said, I like my life. I got folk I love an' my engine an' freedom. I ain't fancy, and I ain't beautiful, but Simon thinks I'm real pretty, an' Inara likes to spend time with me an' does my hair up all special sometimes. I've got River to play with an' my Captain an' the rest. I got the black. It's a real good life, an' I'm happy with it. But for just one day, it'd be nice to see what it's like to be beautiful an' respectable an' adored.
xiao_meimei: (Beautiful Girl)
Oh, well this one's easy. One time we was on Persephone to meet a fella an' move some cargo with him. But to meet him we had to go to this fancy shindig. Well, Cap'n couldn't go alone. Fellas had to have an escort. Inara was already there an' Zoe and Wash had other things to do. So, Cap'n asked me to go.

He bought me the shiniest dress you ever did see. It's pink an' white an' all ruffled and just...it's gorgeous. Only things prettier I ever saw were some of the stuff Inara wears. So elegant an' refined. I felt like a princess wearin' it. Some girls tried to laugh at me, makin' me feel bad that it was store bought, but this nice gentleman came an' set them straight. Then all these other fellas came over an' we talked about engines an' ships for the rest of the night, 'til Cap'n went an' hit Inara's client an' I got dragged back to the ship.

They let me change outta the dress an' then Cap'n fought a duel while we planned to save him....

An' that has nothin' to do with that dress, 'cept it all came from the same time. Cap'n let me keep the dress. Don't think anyone knows it, but I keep it in my bunk an' pull it out to look at it sometimes.

It made me feel like a real girl, a lady, when I was wearin' it, an' that ain't somethin' I often feel like. I love what I do. Love my ship. Love my Cap'n. But most days I'm covered in grease an' my hair's all messed up. I know I ain't elegant. Wouldn't know how to act if I was.

But for that one night, in that dress, I was a princess. I walked in that world an' I met lots of mean folk an' lots of nice folk just like in my world. I pull out that dress, an' I look at it, an' I remember what it felt like to be Miss Kaywinnit Lee Frye, rather than just "Lil' Kaylee." Ain't nothin' wrong with bein' "Lil' Kaylee" but...it's nice to think about bein Miss Kaywinnit Lee Frye sometimes too.
xiao_meimei: (Beautiful Girl)
Now that there's an easy one. Can't say as it's real bad. Maybe not even irresponsible, actually. But it's nothin' I'd do normally.

I'd walk right up to Simon an' kiss him. Then I'd ask him straight up if he thought I was pretty an' I met a girl recently at a party an' she said I ought to anyway, but I can't quite bring myself to do that. I mean, ain't like I haven't talked to him about it. I have. An' I tell him how I'm confused. Inara's right. My heart's right out there on my sleeve for him to see clear as day. But he don't ever...

He goes all stiff, an' not in the good way, dŏng ma?. He says it's his way of showing me respect, bein' polite an' such. I have to admit that's sweet of him. Very sweet. But somedays I just wish...I just wish he'd stop being so polite. But if I said that, or if I just...kissed him...well, that'd go against what he's trying to do. And he knows I'm interested in him. Ain't nobody that doesn't know at this point. So, if he ain't kissed me yet, there must be a reason. I don't want to know what the consequences would be if I took that from him--whatever control he's got by not kissin' me yet. He might get scared an' run. Or he might just carry me off to his bunk an'...well. Maybe my bunk, 'cause River comes into his a lot.

An' then I'd know if he was everything I think he is. But if he was offended? If that's not what proper ladies do in his world? Well. That'd be a consequence I wouldn't want to pay. I'd rather not know than have him look at me like I was some sort of jiànhuò.

So, I won't do it. Won't just kiss him until I get a clearer sign of specifically what it is he wants from me. I guess I'm just a wúwàng de làngmàn, at heart.
xiao_meimei: (Kaylee)
What is so important to you that without it, life would not be worth living? Why?

Ain't nothin' I can think of that important. Life's that important by itself. Always somethin' to live for. Always somethin' to look forward to. Life's a precious thing in and of itself. It's always worth livin' it, no matter how bad it gets. When Serenity broke an' we all had to abandon ship, livin' is all I could think of. All the things I hadn't done yet. All the things I hadn't said. All the things I wanted to say to folks before I died.

Life's life. It's livin' an' it's growin' an' it's changin'. It can be hard an' it can be cruel, but it's always there to be lived. To be grabbed by both horns an' just...just gone for. You gotta keep livin', gotta keep flyin', no matter what. Death ain't ever better. It don't fix nothin'. You're just dead. Shepherd says that good folk'll go to heaven an' it's all better'n it is here. But however shiny heaven may be, I gotta say it's awful nice right here. I can't figure that heaven's better'n a lot of the beauty of life. Even when you're sad...there's somethin' comin' around the bend that's gonna be good. It'll make it better. You'll be happy again.

Gotta believe that, though. You gotta have that hope.

Maybe that's the one thing life ain't worth livin' without. Hope it's gonna get better. But then, I can't rightly say I can imagine not havin' hope. What an awful way to live that would be.
xiao_meimei: (Kaylee)
I gotta say I'm awful sorry. We had this job to do an' it kept me away from the Cortex an' kept me from bein' able to write the last couple of weeks. But I figure I'm here now an' I'll get all caught up an' it'll all be shiny again, right?

If you could change one person's mind about something, who and what would it be?

Well, I don't think I could go 'round changing folks minds. Most of the crew's pretty hard headed. I wouldn't ever think of tryin' to change the Captain's mind, what with the tetchiness an' all. Can't really think of anything I'd rightly change. Maybe he could be a bit nicer to some folk, but that's just him. He ain't all that bad, an' I love my Captain. But he does make folk cry sometimes. Still, ain't nothin' I'd do to really change him.

I suppose I'd want to change Simon's mind 'bout this life. He said once it weren't fun. That Serenity was a piece of go-se. 'Course I think he's already changed his mind about that. He seems happier at least. More like maybe he's okay with bein' one of us.

An' maybe I'd change his mind about the "I'd never, not with Kaylee" comment. 'Cause it ain't all that flatterin' that he'd say so quick that he wouldn't. Then I gotta wonder, if I have to work so hard to change his mind about it? Well that ain't all that self-respectin' neither. I just wish he'd make up his mind one way or the other.

What in your life are you the most dissatisfied with, and why?

Ain't much. I got my friends. I got Serenity. I wish Captain'd let me paint some more flowers 'round the ship, brighten her up a bit. But I ain't real dissatisfied with that.

Guess it's gettin' to the point that I'm a bit dissatisfied 'bout how long it's been since I've been with a man. Not dissatisfied to take Jayne up on any of his offers, mind you, but I'm gettin' a bit tetchy about that situation right enough.

What is the scariest thing that has ever happened to you?

Sometimes things get broke an' they can't be fixed. When Serenity broke an' I couldn't fix her an' Captain made us all leave him on her an' take the shuttles? That was right scary. We didn't have enough power t' get anywhere, but he thought maybe we'd be picked up an' be all right. We all knew it weren't gonna happen, though. We were gonna die in those shuttles, or we were gonna die on Serenity. At some point, the air was gonna give out an' the heat was going to go an' we were gonna freeze to death. Captain kept tellin' me to fix it if we were gonna keep breathin' an' there was nothin' I could do. She were broke, an' somehow I'd missed it. I hadn't seen it comin an' everyone was gonna die because of it. When we were all crowded in the shuttles that's all I could think. It kept goin' round and round in my head.

But that weren't the scariest. No, the scariest were when we went to rescue Captain from Niska. There were guards an' they were shootin' at us an' we were supposed to shoot back. Simon were shooting at them an' then he was gone. These three of them were shooting at me an' I couldn't even pull the trigger. Captain was bein' held an' tortured an' all I could do was stand there an' hide an' not even shoot. Then River was there. She took the gun an' she closed her eyes an' without looking, she shot all three of them. Killed 'em all. Then she turned to me an' smiled this smile like we was playin' an' said what I'd said earlier when I won the apple, 'cept she was still holdin' the gun.

"No power in the 'verse can stop me."

That were the scariest thing ever happened to me.
xiao_meimei: (Default)
I ain't got much in the way of things. Don't see much use for 'em. I mean, I'd like to have some things like Inara's, but they'd just get all dirty in the engine-room anyways, so it don't much matter.

I've got one fancy dress an' it is right pretty an' all mine. A gift from the Captain. But I don't think that's necessarily what you're askin' about. Or maybe you are. 'Cause the question is what can I say is truly mine.

That dress is mine. My clothes an' the wooden duck I picked up on some moon. They's everywhere, so I figured I should have 'least one. My bunk ain't really mine. Just my bunk on Serenity. Serenity is the Cap'n's, much as I love her.

Simon ain't mine. Not yet, leastways, but I am workin' on it.

My friends are mine. My family. An' I'm theirs. It kinda works that way an' that's shiny.

Still, the question seems t'call for somethin' a bit deeper than all that an' I just don't...

The sky. The black. It don't rightly belong to anyone, but when you're out in it? Cap'n says it's freedom an' it's yours.

Belongs to each of us utterly an' solely an' collectively. They can put you away an' take everything you got, but you still got the sky, even if only in your dreams. The freedom it represents.

I guess that's mine. Ain't got no rules to follow 'cept Captain's, long as we keep on flyin'.


Feb. 28th, 2005 11:58 am
xiao_meimei: (laughing)
I ain't ever heard of the Wonderland thing, so I s'pose I can't rightly write on it. But I can write about what's beautiful.

Serenity's beautiful. Her engine an' all her parts. Her mess. Her cargo hold. Each of our bunks. Some folks might look at her an' not see anything special. Just a bucket of bolts. They don't think Fireflys are worth much. But they don't see what I see. What Cap'n sees. What all of us see when we look at her.

She's our home. She keeps us flyin' an' free. She talks to me, an' I talk to her.

We're a good team, me an' her.

Simon's beautiful, too. An' I don't mean that in just a "he's got pretty eyes" way, though his eyes is something to give a girl all sorts of warm thoughts. But his soul is, too. He's a good man. A kind man. He gave up everything to save River an' he saved my life. He's gentle an' decent an' adjustin' fairly well to a life of crime. It's real cute.

An' River. River's 'bout as beautiful as Serenity. Special, you know? Smart an' sweet an' everything precious. Bit odd in the head, but we love her anyway. She's crew. She's family.

Just like Simon. Just like Serenity. Just like Cap'n and Zoe and Wash an' Inara an' Shepherd an' even Jayne.

Guess family's about the most beautiful thing there is.
xiao_meimei: (Beautiful Girl)

I can't say as how I've ever made a wish that I regretted. I wished I could get off the rock I lived on an' here I am on Serenity. It ain't the poshest gig in the 'verse, but I love my girl. An' I love my Captain. So there's no regrets there.

I wished I could have a fancy dress, an' Cap'n bought me one. The girls at the party were mean about it, but I loved that dress. I didn't regret wishin' for it. An' Cap'n gettin' it for me were real shiny.

I keep wishin' Simon would notice, but as that ain't come true yet, I don't s'pose I can regret it can I.

I ain't got many regrets. An' none 'bout wishes.
xiao_meimei: (Beautiful Girl)
What does the word "Love" mean to you?

There's a right pretty thing Shepherd Book said to me the other day. I was missin' Simon somethin' awful, and all upset about him not feelin' the same as I do 'bout things. Us things. Sex things. I was terrible impatient and wonderin' if Simon's ever gonna notice I ain't just the ship's mechanic and his sister's playmate. But I'm a woman, too.

An' Shepherd said, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not selfseeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

I thought it were real pretty, an' told him he outta have gotten married if he could come up with stuff like that. He told me it was from his Bible, which River says is all wrong an' full of contradicitons. But if that part was from it, I don't think it can be all wrong, can it? 'Cause that's a right pretty passage an' it talks about bein' patient and not getting all envious, like of Inara's pretty dresses, an' not getting angry at Simon when he says things that show he ain't thinking of me that way at all.

It's lookin' for truth and holdin' on and trusting that right will win out in the end.

It ain't just about the sex. But all the stuff that makes the sex special. An' I knew that, of course, but somehow when you ain't gotten sexed up in a while, you forget the good stuff. Shepherd reminded me of the good stuff, an' if I have to wait, I guess I can do that.

Because I think it's right likely I've moved from sweet on him towards lovin' him.

So I'll just be patient, an' trust that someday he'll notice.
xiao_meimei: (Beautiful Girl)
I got most of what makes me happy right here already. I got a job on my girl Serenity. I get to work with her ev'ry day. I got the crew who're more family than my folks. A job I love and folks I love. It don't get much better'n that you know.

I 'spect that for a true happily ever after I might need myself a prince. I got my eye on one, truth be told. 'Course, I don't think he knows I'm a girl. Or maybe he don't know what to do with a girl on account of spendin' so much time in school. He gets flustered awful easy. And don't seem to know just what to say to me or Inara.

But if he noticed an' liked an' did somthin' about it? I'd be real good to him. Take care of him. Let him take care of me. That'd be happy ever after enough, I think.
xiao_meimei: (Kaylee)
What's the furthest away you've ever been from the place you were born/created? How did you get there? Why did you go? Did you return or even want to come back to where you came from?

Well, I were, was born on a bit of a rock called Greenleaf. It ain't much. I mean, we got doctors there. An' lots of food an' stuff. We ain't Core, but we ain't border neither. Kinda like Persephone, I guess. My daddy were the best mechanic on the planet. If there were work, he got it. Most others didn' even bother.

I can't say I'm totally sure which place we been is the furthest. I joined the crew of Serenity a few years ago. Daddy says I got a gift with engines and Cap'n saw that right off, too. So, he gave me the job an' I been flyin' on her ever since.

We travel all over the 'verse. Core planets. Border moons. We go where the work is. We been right out to the border, to where you's staring into the expanse an' you know that jus' a bit further on is Reaver territory, an' you don't ever wanna go that far. Ain't no comin' back from that. 'Course they's pushin' closer an' closer in every year, which is a mite bit terrifyin' 'cause we find ourselves lookin' at their ships more'n any of us would like.

I guess one of the border moons would be furthest. Whitechapel maybe. I'd have to ask Wash for distances.

Sure, I'd go back home, to see my folks. Ain't likely to happen for a while though. Not much work on Greenleaf, so no real reason Cap'n would take us there.
xiao_meimei: (Default)

You Have A Type B Personality


You're as laid back as they come...
Your baseline mood is calm and level headed
Creativity and philosophy tend to be your forte

Like a natural sedative, you have a soothing effect on people
Friends and family often turn to you first with their problems
You have the personality to be a spiritual or psychological guru

Well, I ain't so sure about the spiritual or psychological guru bit, but I like t'think I'm nice to be around.
xiao_meimei: (Kaylee)
Does it still count as a childhood memory if you were sixteen? I figure that's still sort of a kid. There was this boy an' he was awful pretty. We were gettin' to be real good friends an' I invited him over.

This boy? I figured he was about eighteen or so, an' he weren't no novice. He knew his way around a girl's body as well as I know mine 'round an engine, which is pretty damn good. We had a lovely time in my daddy's garage, just foolin' around.

And then his folks come by to fetch him, and it turns out he's fourteen years old! Fourteen!

I mean, he must have been some kind of genetic experiment, 'cause I swear he was... Well, I ain't met a fourteen year old before or since could do the things he could or look the way he did.

My daddy whupped me so hard...which weren't so shiny or funny, I guess. Momma just laughed an' laughed, said she'd never have believed he was just fourteen neither.

I wasn't allowed to see him again, which was truly a sad, sad thing. I did start askin' boys how old they were for the next coupla years, though.
xiao_meimei: (Beautiful Girl)
Well, first, I ain't sure she'd be all that shiny. But maybe. I don't know. 'Verse is made up of all types. Would get mighty boring if it weren't.

First off, she wouldn't understand about engines, at all. Wouldn't know how to fix one. Wouldn't understand when Serenity tried to tell her what was goin' on. That wouldn't be much help to the Captain at all. She'd prob'ly be all grown up like. Wouldn't want to play with River. Might be scared of her what with some of her strangeness.

But she'd be lovely. Like Inara and those girls at the party. She'd wear beautiful clothes and be all fancy. She'd know what to do at that sort of thing and what to do when those girls were mean. 'Course, those girls might not've been mean to her. She'd prob'ly be like them. Mean like them. Not seein' folks for who they really are, poor or rich, fancy or not. She prob'ly wouldn't have had as much fun either, with all those nice men who wanted to talk about engines.

But she'd know how to talk to Simon. To talk about the things he likes an' knows an' cares about. She wouldn't say the stupid things that make him all uncomfortable. She wouldn't like the stuff he thinks is junk. She'd know good stuff when she saw it. But then, Simon's real kind. And nice. So, he prob'ly wouldn't like her much, 'cause she wouldn't love River. Might be mean to her on account of her strangeness. And so, bein' my opposite wouldn't help much with him, would it?

For all her fanciness, I don't think I'd want to be her. No help to the Captain. None of my friends would like her much. Couldn't play with River.

I'd sure love her clothes though sometimes. An' maybe know how to do my hair like that. Just to wow him a bit, show him I'm a girl 'smuch as I'm a mechanic.
xiao_meimei: (laughing)
I'm not exactly sure why I have to write one of these. I mean, not like anybody not on Serenity's gonna be readin' it, right? But just in case...Captain's said something about cortexes and the like an' how some people have been findin' his and Inara's journals. Even commentin'. Like, from the past. Which I think is shiny. I mean, think about all we could learn about what come before! Better'n what they teach in a history class, I mean. I weren't all that fond of history class, but I do like people. They aren't always as shiny as engines, and I don't understand them as well sometimes. But they are fascinatin'.

Anyway. I'm Kaylee. I'm the mechanic onboard a Firefly class starship named Serenity and me and her, we bonded right away. We're a cargo vessel and we haul all sorts of cargo all through the 'verse. Sometimes its legal. Sometimes it ain't. We haul people sometimes too. Sometimes they ain't exactly legal either. But Captain's real good about avoidin' the Alliance, and we do alright. My job's to keep Serenity flyin'. Most days that works, but sometimes she (and the Captain) can make it a might tough. But we manage, me and her. We understand each other and usually she lets me know before she goes and has a problem. Harder to do when people's shootin' at us though.

So. That's me, I guess. The important stuff, at least. The rest I guess I'll tell you as we go along. You know, if there's a "you" out there.
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